When I was young, I was arrogant, proud and stubborn. It was the only reason why I was a wrestling medalist and senior football player in High School. I was driven by my stubbornness to gain my place in society. When I was in school however I was automatically handed the image of the smart asian boy which I by my stubborn nature compelled to oppose. It was reverse psychology and I didn’t want to be identified or put in a box. I rebelled tried everything to shake off that title even if it was where I wanted to be. I was not about to be stereo typed and at the same time I felt i didn’t earn it because it was handed out and given. It was a fake honor or what they call in a church a fake grace. I wanted to earn my place and I wanted it to be genuine but when it is given what else do you do now but roll with the worldly materialistic, abstract thinking and unattainable spiritual quest. Its called a glass house of nothing where your morals tell you to not to touch, break or disrupt anything.
The experience is ruined because you don’t get to learn anything. How do you learn if you don’t make mistakes? If there’s no room for mistakes what is life? I guess as you mature you make less mistakes but i wanted the thrill things crashing, things blowing up and mess of random chaos that needs be set back in order. The city was sound, quiet, peaceful and secure. Clean streets clean, clean faces, clean people and clean facilities. This was not where i was made to be. I need to be in the wild – undeveloped and rugged. Where there was work to be done all the time. I needed a way out but i’m on a crutch – of being privileged to a degree. It’s a crime an inhumane way to live. If i don’t die from a bullet i’ll end up dying from insanity before old age.
I needed something that worked my back bone, love of farming comes to mind, love of mountains come to mind, animals, hunting, gathering, trading and jungles came to mind. This was not where i was meant to be, i know this. I take for granted this life I have now, this i know. I have family, friends and everyone is living the way they were meant to live. I’m fodder, hero’s heart meant for a short life, expendable – I was suppose to go out with a bang. Now a shell of man unsure if he is a man. Skydived, climbed waterfalls, mountains, jump cliffs – every time getting more dangerous but the hollowness always brought me to question whether I was really one. A man or a mouse.
Then it all changed – the perspective came that polarized my personality. I was changed by a dramatic experience that made me timid, submitting and doubtful. I played cautiously and thinking twice about what i was going to do. An illness that made me aware of the reckless, youthful and destructive path I was going in. I was now composed, understanding and compassionate to others at the cost of my personal enjoyment of life. I feel more fulfilled and motivated but now I run into a problem of whether or not I should invest my time in a certain thing, asking if I should do something, should i not, second guessing, on the fence to save my own butt cowardice, always calculating the risk. I have reflected and seen my faults. There was more then enough time given to see that.
I need to find the balance between both worlds. The problem today with civil society city life is that there is no growing room. And with civility comes a domestication and taming of a creature that was not meant to be tamed. Life is about experiencing life to the fullest, expressing love to its highest potential and reduce the suffering of the world. It took alot of time but I think I’m going back to save some money to finish architecture get my masters in architecture in Houston. And go find some foreign place to build homes where I can provide water, air ventilation lines and vents for buildings. Do something useful, unless there’s a future for me in Edmonton I have got to leave.