RIP April 10 2017; A Message to A Distanced Brother I Still Forgive

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High expectations, low resolve.

I know I’ve been hard on him all my life and sometimes it was hard to set aside our differences, majority of the time. I believe throughout his life he’s had this conflict of expecting a lot but never settling for less than what he wanted to see happen. His resolve to settle was always less than what he expected to see in life. He was use to being hand fed by a silver spoon, living off the silver lining of life and when things got tough because the stars didn’t align for him he gave up.

We grew up pretty poor growing up and he was a favored child all the years I knew him. I’ll continue to roast him in his passing because that opportunity to do so has passed. He was my young kid brother and he had so much more coming to him. There’s so much frustration and misunderstanding of who we were and what we were in life to each other.

I dreamed he visit once just recently. I was resuscitating him in the dream, and he came to life again. He kissed my forehead and said “Stupid”. A very normal answer based on profound knowledge of who he was. I was tearing up, I wanted to say so much but all I could think of was how selfish he was.. how much of an idiot he was to leave us the way he did. How hard it was for my parents to let him go – no parent should bury their kid.

I always saw him in a heroic light, I sometimes referenced him to the redeemed exiled king of “Lord of The Rings” King Aragorn. I had bought him a Aragorn replica sword for his room in 2010 (?) with all the money I had made working banquets for The Shaw Conference Center.  He in exchange never bought anyone anything in the family for the years I knew him. I know it was hard to pull out the money for special occasions to buy something for someone no matter how cheap or stupid the idea was.  I would have liked anything he would have pulled out just to say I got something from him.

He was solitary, spoke little unless it was about business or monetary gain, judgmental and most of all closed off his life to people in his family. I wrote a poem as a memorandum to our loss. It was the best I could do, I hope it would reach him where ever he was. I couldn’t understand who he was in the end and what drove him to be who he was at the end of all this. He was an enigma to me even in the end. He was just my kid brother in the end no matter how he treated us and behaved I didn’t care. I just lost a chance and opportunity to redeem my kid brother.. The glimmer of hope that we would resolve the friction and conflict between us as kids in the end.

I hate how he was so calm and collected talking about what he was about to do before he passed away. He was so smug, he really needed that smack on the head. To wake up and realize that it was his life he was talking about and it effected everyone around him also. Everyone who knew him and worried for him would be effected. But even after all that, never visiting me at the hospital while i was there – I guess he was just going through too much stuff and struggling with his own life to reach out to me.

Even after all that, I forgive him. I just hope he gets everything coming to him. Our frustrations, anger and especially our love. I hope that guy finds peace. I wish him well.


Selfish desires of becoming the greatest is a flawed mentality.


When we were kids, we had no time to worry about logic, reason, reading, writing and the growing process. We were too busy getting bruised, cut, hurt, falling, failing and learning about dangers around us. We never sit down and realize that our childhood is greatly influenced by hardship of trial and error, our peers and life as a goal in itself. Life objectively is a mistake as we do not go through life just to get through it and finish. It’s a matter of learning new things, experiencing things  and experimenting trying to build new things.

The mentality of becoming the greatest is flawed, because at what cost will it be at to become the greatest? Friends/family becoming distant? The ability to reason and patiently listen to others? Becoming the greatest should be a bi-product and never the focus. If you do things and learn of things to become better and build a foundation  to become stronger in knowing more about the world eventually you may get there, and be among the greatest. It’s a collective effort and each person has the ability to contribute to the cause of humanity with their unique experiences.

Your selfishness to become objectively the best comes at a consequence of neglect of others. Though this is true, there is only so much you can control. If people just do what they want that is fine as long as it does not conflict with others dreams and goals Though you are only one person, one being on Earth you shouldn’t be concerned too much about what others think  of you and should instead apply yourself in understanding and comprehending a world where we can learn and be better in terms of what we can do for future generations to learn and be  more compassionate.

Education, we are taught the basics  and more complicated things. Though our education never goes over the life saving skills that could save lives. Basic CPR, berries and fruits poisonous to us, education on what we should and shouldn’t do. Religion is also a barrier, respect for a religious belief that may render a person ignorant and absent of  logic, compassion and thought is not the right route to go. There must be a balance of both worlds. An appreciation for life but with thoughtfulness and understanding of the world.

This is my queue to say that we need to access what is essential, what is necessary and what is logically crucial in life. A stern life, respect of others, warmth of love and compassionate thinking i believe is the mix to a healthy active and thought provoking life. You must think of religion as individuals that make up the body but see that it is a body itself and when you see that religion is just like a person you must respect  it as you should with any other human being. I guess that’s just what life is about, have faith in the other person and that their faith is a good one.

Love, light and peace of mind,